Dealing with the Grieving Process

My heart melts with sadness and compassion, as I read the following paragraph from my daughter's FB page last month.

"With great humbleness in the span of 14 days, CarennaKT and I have had wonderful accomplishments. But to be truthful, it has been bittersweet. To have made the Top 100 list was a huge surprise - and yet the one person I wanted to celebrate with - Nick Thompson - my biggest supporter and cheerleader - wasn't here to celebrate. And thus the emptiness in my heart grows bigger.

And a week later - a huge milestone for our daughter, Carenna - passing her drivers license test (the first try) and no one believed 6 months ago that I would be able to teach her how to drive. And her Dad wasn't there to give her a high five and hug and tell her how proud of her he was.

And then finally this week - my interview on the "Getting Curious with Jonathan Van Ness" @curiouswithjvn podcast went live. I love the title "Why is the Census So Majorly F**king Important? with Ditas Katague aired and the promo videos - I was told had over 200K views/plays. All of this should fill my heart, but it is empty - because the joy that I should feel is always shadowed with the grief I have been hiding from - and it comes after me like a stealth golden owl hunts it prey in the darkness.

So I walk with my grief, and I realize I cannot bury myself in work or travel or sheer exhaustion. I realize I must sit and feel something I avoid - because if you avoid joy, you can avoid grief? Only if you are numb...being numb, would be easy to lack compassion, to not care, to walk around as the empty shell that I am.

Many may say - gosh it's been 7 years "aren't you over it yet'? I was asked this by a close relative. Actually, it was directed at Carenna just 10 months after her Dad died - I was asked, "aww, isn't she over her Dad dying yet?" Unbelievable. I know we are blessed to have many friends and family who do support us and I don't want to appear ungrateful, but some days after working another 80 hour week, the lack appreciation is real. Enough feeling sorry for myself - back to being numb".

My wife and I felt helpless to alleviate our daughter and grand daughter sadness and grief. However, we want them to know, we are here and if there is anything we can do, just let us know. Here's some wisdom and information I found on how to deal with the grieving process.

How to deal with the grieving process

While grieving a loss is an inevitable part of life, there are ways to help cope with the pain, come to terms with your grief, and eventually, find a way to pick up the pieces and move on with your life.

1.Acknowledge your pain.
2.Accept that grief can trigger many different and unexpected emotions.
3.Understand that your grieving process will be unique to you.
4.Seek out face-to-face support from people who care about you.
5.Support yourself emotionally by taking care of yourself physically.
6.Recognize the difference between grief and depression.

Source:https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm

Here are some comments from DITAS Facebook friends:

1.Ditas we met just moments after Nick passed. I would never have guessed that you and Carenna had been through that by simply watching you. It was apparent that you both just had your stuff together. You have been honest about these troubles and as I have learned you better my respect for you deepens, both of you. There is no cure for grief. It doesn't end. You don't get the over the loss of such a person. Grief changes shape and color. I have found it helpful to remember the joy of my relationship with the person I've lost. Because grief wouldn't be there without a solid foundation of love and joy. When you mention Nick I hear that. I hear you mention your love and your joy. Thanks for continuing to feel and to express these thoughts.

2. Congratulations on your recent accomplishments Ditas! I fully empathize with your sentiments. It has been six years for me. One learns to live and celebrate again, but the void remains.

3. Lifting you in prayer and Hugs 🙏🏾

4. There will be many many more accomplishments. After all, we're talking about Ditas and Carenna! ✨⭐🌟 Nick is there for all of them. He's always there. Reminding ourselves of this helped us get through losing our dad on earth when we were young kids.

5. Feel what you need to feel! I love you both.

6. First off, congratulations to both of you for all of your accomplishments over the past two weeks, very cool. Thank you for sharing!!! I have been reminded time after time that pain and joy coexist. Your word, "bittersweet" sums it up. I read all of the posts before from your friends and family and they give support and wise advise. Trust that love remains forever, you are strong (and friggin awesome) it's okay to cry, it's okay to laugh, as Amy said, feel what you need to feel. All this to say, it sucks, it's hard and I'm sorry. We will carry it with us until we are reunited on the other side.

7. Thank you for sharing this. He was lucky to be so loved. Sending you a hug. Such important milestones and all so well deserved.

8. Ditas, I follow Martha Jo Atkins. She deals with death and dying and all that goes with it. I’ve found her posts and those who follow her to be insightful and comforting.

9. I love you, Ditas. You bring so much joy and inspiration to everyone who knows you.

10. Hugs and love to you and Carenna! You can always count on me, my dearest cousin! Love you!!! Yu’ve been so incredibly strong and composed... just let go. Don’t be numb. Cry, laugh, cry again. We’re here for you both!

11. Ditas-Thank you for letting us in and sharing your truth. My identical twin sister died 23 years ago and that loss and grief took much of me with it. I understand much of your pain my friend. While the path of grief is yours that you must take you’re surrounded by so many of us who love you and are here for you during this journey. Be brave my warrior and you can and must do this. I’m here for you. ❤️

Here's a short Ted Video about coping with Grief

: http://t.ted.com/SLw0qFU