This posting is inspired from my recent conversation with a friend whose childhood years was without healthy parental guidance, having been a child of a Divorced Mother.
Growing Up Without Healthy Parental Guidance: How It Shapes the Rest of Our Lives
When we look back at our childhood, we realize it was never just about toys, friends, or school grades. It was about the way we were seen, guided, and loved—or not loved at all. For those of us who grew up under abusive parental control, or at the other extreme, with almost no parental guidance, the scars don’t just fade when we reach adulthood. They live with us, shaping how we think, how we love, and how we see ourselves.
I’ve often thought about how much of who we are as adults is simply a reflection of the lessons—spoken or unspoken—we absorbed as children. If a child grows up being controlled with harsh words, fear, or violence, that child learns to question their worth. They may carry that voice of criticism inside them, even long after they’ve left home. On the other hand, a child who grows up without boundaries or support often enters adulthood with a sense of being adrift—longing for guidance, structure, or validation they never received.
In adult life, these early wounds show up in our relationships. Trust, for instance, becomes a complicated word. If closeness once meant pain, we may guard our hearts, even from those who mean well. If guidance was absent, we may chase after love in unhealthy places, because it feels better than the emptiness we once knew.
The hardest part, I think, is emotional balance. Those raised under abuse sometimes learn to bottle everything up—never cry, never show weakness. Others, raised without rules, may wrestle with controlling emotions because no one taught them how. Either way, adulthood becomes a lifelong classroom in which we are still learning the lessons our parents never gave us.
But here is the other truth: we are not doomed by our beginnings. Yes, the past leaves marks, but it also gives us a choice. Some of the strongest, kindest, and most resilient people I know are those who endured the hardest childhoods. They had to teach themselves what love looks like, what respect feels like, and what balance means. In doing so, they became deeply empathetic—able to understand the pain of others because they have lived it themselves.
If you grew up with too much control or none at all, you may find yourself still wrestling with those old patterns today. That’s okay. Healing is not about erasing the past—it’s about learning to carry it differently. It’s about forgiving yourself for what you didn’t know, and slowly creating the kind of life and relationships you always wished for.
Because in the end, childhood shapes us, but it does not define us forever. With reflection, support, and the courage to change, we can write a new story for ourselves—one built not on abuse or neglect, but on self-worth, resilience, and love.
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